What Happened?!
Just after a breakup you can often find yourself feeling so much confusion about what has just happened. This is so much more true if your ex won’t even talk to you.
If you find yourself thinking “what can I do – my ex won’t speak to me!” it can be one of those thoughts that are the hardest to deal with.
It is very common for your mind to be racing around different thoughts (most of them being painful or just confusing), hard to piece together what happened. Trying very hard to find reasons for things that happened in the past.
Especially if it’s something as frustrating as someone not talking to you anymore.
You can spend hours distracted and wondering what could have caused the breakup, and what is happening with your ex just now.
“Was it something I said?”
“Was it something I did?”
“If I had done this little thing differently… would we still be together?”
These are all questions that can keep coming up, as well as countless other ones. It’s bad enough if you think about them once in a while, but just after a breakup they can be flying around in your mind day in and day out.
I know exactly how hard it can be getting through the day while trying to get things to settle down!
But… Things Will Get Better
Also, and probably just as important, things will get clearer. A big part of all the pain and confusion you’ll be feeling right now is around exactly that. The confusion around the end of the relationship and the actual breakup.
I’ve said it to so many readers. The unknows around the breakup are the difficult things. Not the fact that you were arguing, or had times that weren’t as good as others. It’s the not knowing which parts caused the strongest changes which eat away at people.
There are so many unknowns that it’s completely normal to feel like there is more in the world you’re unsure about, than you are sure about. This does and will get better in time, and things will get easier. Trust me on that one!
Remember – You’re Going Through a Big Change Here
Realising that you and your ex are both going through a massive change is crucial, and it’s an important thing to keep in mind as you work to get back in touch with your ex.
This can definitely be difficult, especially if you find yourself with more time on your hands. Extra time like this can just mean you have more time to be upset with how things are going for you, unfortunately.
You have to realise that just following a break up, you are both going through a big change.
No matter who ended the relationship, who started most of the arguments, or anything else that may have led to you guys breaking up, this is always the case; you are both getting to grips with a huge change in your lives and spending more time by yourself.
If you’re thinking that you can’t even get a conversation going with your ex-partner, you won’t ever get answers to any of your questions about the breakup, and that you won’t be able to joke and laugh with your best friend again, then you need to know that all is not lost.
More often than not you can get back on good speaking terms with your ex again, and the fact that you’re here, looking for answers is a great sign that you’re keen to do whatever you can to help make that happen.
“WHY Won’t My Ex Talk To Me?”
First of all – if we don’t think about what might have happened recently between the two of you, you won’t have the best jumping off point.
It can be useful to go through in your mind some of the reasons why your ex might not be looking to talk to you right now, there are a few possibles for this so let’s go through them in a bit more detail.
- They feel like they need some space and time apart.
- There is still anger aimed towards you, your history together, or the breakup itself.
- Your ex is feeling ashamed of things they did towards the end of the relationship.
- They think you both have drifted apart, and have changed too much.
Is your ex showing signs of any of these? How does it affect your chances of getting back in touch with them properly if they are?!
#1 Your Ex Needs Some Time & Space
If you’re on this page, reading this information, I know this likely means this is a time just after a breakup for you. You’re probably thinking of all the things that have just changed for you, of the time you’ll need to fill now that you and your ex-partner aren’t as close as you once were.
What you might not be thinking about though – is that things have also changed for your ex as well!
How long has it been since you took some days to yourself? It is often the case that if we spend some time without distractions, we rediscover things that make us who we are. Your ex deserves this time as well. This means that it’ll help the both of you in the long run if you not only take some time to go through this yourself, but understand this and see it from their point of view too!
Your ex might just be needing some time and space right now. Some time just to get back to feeling like their normal self.
It’s also worth pointing out (we’ve all been there, trust me), that IF we start to feel someone is pulling away from us, it’s only natural to want to fight against this!
Trying to call your ex more, trying to call them more, fighting to stay in their lives. These actions can feel essential, but they will also work against you.
Remember – people don’t forget partners in a month.
It will seem like a shock to go from talking to your ex every day (most likely!) to not being in their lives at all. But people do not forget partners within a month. So don’t stress about trying to get in touch with them every day, it isn’t essential, and they won’t forget you.
The above points are even more important to keep in mind if over the last weeks or months you were trying more to stay in touch with your ex. It is like forcing the same poles of two magnets together, it just feels forced and unnatural. You don’t want your ex to start feeling this way about the two of you.
So even more importantly, you need to give them time.
This doesn’t have to be a negative thing against you, just be aware that your ex might just be wanting some time to reconnect with themselves, and pushing yourself on them isn’t going to help the two of you reconnect in a meaningful way.
“Can I do anything about this one?”
As I’m sure you’ve heard: “Sometimes… less is more.”
When it comes to this one, there isn’t much you can do unfortunately. You just have to have a bit of patience with them.
Harder said than done, I know.
When someone needs time or space… (or both even!) the best thing for this is to let them have their space.
This isn’t a permanent change though, remember. We’ll be going over ways to start talking to them again later in this article. For now though, they need their space to figure out who they are again and what they want to focus on, and you could use this time to do this too.
#2 There Is Still Anger Connected with the End of Your Relationship
Who doesn’t remember this one, right.
Whether you were with Ross, or Rachel, you can’t deny there was a lot of anger between them (at this point in the show anyway).
Feeling anger or resentment isn’t a small thing that you can ignore. It can come out of nowhere and push people into a rage where they’re not even thinking, just acting on impulse. It is one of those ridiculously strong feelings – when it comes up it’s hard to control, and hard to ignore.
If someone is truly seeing red about the end of your relationship then that is the only way to describe it. You cannot change someone’s mind in the moment about their anger in the moment, it just doesn’t work. The phrases like “seeing red”, or “the red mist descends” are very accurate because people just become trapped in their emotional anger.
Anger can just have that affect on people. It can override other feelings so easily.
“Can I do anything about this one?”
Believe it or not, as long as it’s done in a controlled setting, releasing anger can actually be a good thing.
Denying that we’re angry about something is trying to lie about something that is important to us. How many times have you heard, or even been told, “stop being so emotional about this!?”
Well… why?
As long as you’re acting reasonably and not completely striking out, it can be good to let your emotions be shown.
So if your ex had moments of anger aimed at your relationship, this might not be as bad as you think. The key thing is that the anger was released, not bottled up so it will come back for your ex the next time they see you!
Also, it can be helpful to keep in mind that anger is (more often than not) connected directly to a specific memory more than just a person, i.e. you. So say for example you and your ex had a big fight on a trip away. The anger that remains for both of you won’t neccessarilly be aimed at each other – but at the annoying times that came up on the trip.
We all grow and change, we get different perspectives on what happened, and other memories will get stronger and replace some of the more angry ones.
This is why even the strongest feelings of anger will fade over time. They can, and they will.
Maintaining or revisiting a state of anger is very tiring. Eventually your mind and body forces you to move on from exhaustion. This is true for your ex! They can’t stay angry forever.
No matter what they start to think about, even the good times in the past between the two of you, they will quickly come back to a negative thought in their mind about a time when things weren’t quite so good.
This doesn’t mean that you have a license for anger with each other though. Far from it. You need to be careful when the two of you do start talking again, that you avoid bringing up the things that caused fights in the first place.
Resist the temptation to start new fights. It is very possible, after all, to stop arguing in a relationship before any fights grow to be more than you both can handle.
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”‐‐Mark Twain
Don’t feel bad if your ex and you had angry arguments. Frequent and similar arguments are not ideal in a relationship (usually because they represent an underlying problem), it is much worse for the two of you to keep that ‘acidic anger’ inside.
We all need to let anger go so it might be less likely to come back in the future. It is a release that sometimes needs to happen, not a sign that the relationship is doomed at all!
Even if you’ve been in screamingly loud arguments with each other in the last few months, this won’t be the only memory of your time together forever.
Bear in mind though that things will improve. I’ve seen lots of couples deal with the aftermath of a lot of heated arguments and it doesn’t mean the end of things between you and your ex.
After all, Ross and Rachel had many fights after “the break” came up, and things worked out ok for them didn’t they!
Side note. David Schwimmer recently gave his own opinion on this topic… so now you know!
#3 They Are Feeling Ashamed Of How They Acted
Let’s face it – no matter how nice someone is, in times of stress they just might start to say and do things that even they would be ashamed to admit to.
Clearly – the end of a relationship, or tense feelings around a relationship, is exactly the type of environment ripe for creating extra stress. There are a lot of unknowns, and if your mind starts playing tricks on you – this makes things even worse!
“What did they reeeeally mean when they said that?”
Bad behaviour and habits start to build up, things come out of our mouths that we never thought we could say.
Now, if towards the end of your relationship there were arguments, no matter if they were big or small, do you think your ex would be feeling good about how they acted?
It is quite possible (and in most cases it is actually more likely) that your ex will actually be feeling guilty or ashamed of how they acted near the end of the relationship.
As things start to change between two people, a lot of things can be said that are taken the wrong way.
Those fiery lines that once got a cheeky smile back, start getting an eye-roll instead.
These situations can quickly escalate to more serious digs that are less playful… and more hurtful.
If anything like that happened between you and your ex towards the end, they might be feeling guilty of how they acted.
Did your ex partner start to behave more immaturely towards the end of your relationship? Another type of behaviour that will be deeply regretted after a relationship is over.
Nobody likes to realise they have been acting immaturely, or saying things out of spite without thinking. If your ex has started to notice this behaviour in themselves in the recent weeks, it will be more tempting for them to hold their head in their hands and hide, than face the realisation that you want to talk to them.
Doing so would mean this behaviour comes back to haunt them as they remember more and more of it in detail.
“Can I do anything about this one?”
This will be an inner demon that your ex will be facing, so directly there isn’t loads you can do.
Indirectly, however, there ARE options that will help with this one.
The best advice I can give is to ignore that behaviour when the two of you do start talking again.
Now hold the shocked responses, I only mean this in the days and weeks that come when you start talking to each other again, as a bridge to start repairing what was damaged in the breakup.
Over the months that follow, when things have soothed a bit between the two of you, you will find good times to raise these things. Best to still do it in an understanding way though.
Hey, so just before we took that break from each other a few months back, you said [insert specific event here]. Did you really mean that? Is it something we should talk about? Or was it just the tension we were going through at that time coming out for you?
Start any discussion off in a calm way, and try to keep it calm as much as you can. More than likely your ex will be able to admit that the behaviour they were showing was a mistake and they regret it, allowing you both to continue together by putting it behind you.
#4 The Two Of You Have Drifted Too Much Recently
What get a couple together are their interests, what keeps them together are their values.
Did your ex partner start to mention to you nearer the end of your relationship that they feel the two of you were drifting apart? What does this mean? What causes that kind of thinking?
Usually this is a sign that you were starting to live very independant lives, and you lost that time (and maybe even motivation) to keep in touch with each other.
“I already know everything about my partner… we know each other inside out!”
While that may be true, being in a relationship with that mindset blocks off the possibility that your partner will be changing as they go through life. After all, everyone does that.
Interests come and go, one year you might love the idea of going out together dancing, a few years later you might want nothing more than cosy nights in with a movie.
What keeps a couple together are the values they have. The beliefs deep down that the two of you share and have in common that reminds both of you why you’re right for each other.
Do you both have the same view on kids, for example? That you both do or don’t want to start a family? Great! Have the same views on how you would raise them if you did? Those are the things that keep couples together and keep them strong.
It might feel that the changing interests have caused the relationship to end, but these are probably surface level differences. Deep down, if you both share the same values these are the things that will keep you happy, and keep you together!
“Can I do anything about this one?”
Think about the basics, and get back to them. What are the values that kept you both together for the long haul?
What can be really helpful if this is something that affected you and your ex, is taking the time to think about what got the two of you together.
Sure, when you first start dating, you will likely have had similar interests. Maybe you were both into music and loved going to live bands, or maybe you were both into travelling and wanted to explore more areas with someone else.
But these are, to a large extent, surface level interests that can come and go in time.
What values did you both share with each other? The core things that you believe about yourself and how you see your life playing out.
It is possible that the two of you lost sight of these shared values that kept you both together. So when you do start talking about – make an effort to remind them that you are on the same page as each other.
Remind your ex of your shared values together.
Whether you’re in a relationship or not, everyone’s interests grow and change as they go through life. Make time to keep up with your partner’s passions.
Make sure you keep the time to reconnect with each other. If your ex is changing their interests, is that something you should know? Do you think it would be good for the two of you to broaden your horizons together? Or are these new things, things that you don’t mind your partner doing on their own, giving you both some time to relax and be with yourselves?
Relationships always take time, and work. Life can be busy, but make sure that you’re keeping in touch with your partner.
A great one behind this is setting up a date night. Now I’m not saying you both to a bar and pretend you don’t know each other and are dating for the first time again!
I mean the idea of shutting off all distractions, leaving the phones in a different room for a meal, and just talking to each other. Seeing where the other person is.
If you or your partner are changing and growing, aren’t these things you should both be keeping up with?
“OK, That’s Enough Explanations, How Do I Get Back in Touch?!”
First of all…
Some methods are harder to ignore than others…
Shockingly (or maybe not if you’ve already been there), the easier methods to get in touch with someone, are also the easiest to ignore.
If your go-to method of getting in touch with your ex-partner has been to send them a text, “Hey… what are you up to?”, then this is also the easiest method of communication to ignore. They could easily even delete the message without reading it all the way through.
There is no emotional investment from their side to actually communicate with you. Therefore these quick shot ways to get back in touch often get dismissed just as quickly.
Do you think your ex could ignore you if you were outside their home with a megaphone? I’d be surprisesd if they could in that case.
Of course not!
My point here is that you can’t take it too personally if you haven’t managed to relight the conversational spark with your ex recently. If you’re sending a text, even one that sounds casual (you know, playing it cool and) it’s getting ignored, you can’t take that as a definite sign they wouldn’t be interested in keeping the communication going… if they were given the right bait.
Just as easy as it is to send a quick text, it is also pretty easy to ignore.
Also, you have to make sure you’re avoiding…
“The Dull Dial”. What most people do wrong.
…ok maybe ‘dull dial’ isn’t the best phrase to describe this one, I’ll work on a better version in the background! The important thing is the meaning behind what I’m saying here.
With no signs that anything has changed for you in the meantime, what would your ex be expecting to hear if they pick up the phone to you? Most likely that you’ll be wanting to talk about the same things that you’ve talked about recently, or even worse (*gasp*) re-hashing the actual breakup and making them feel uncomfortable!
So in their mind at most the conversation will be dull, and at worst, it’ll be just plain uncomfortable. There is no mystery in it for them.
First of All – Make Sure You’re Thinking Clearly
When you are ready to get back in touch, you need to pick a time where your mind won’t be racing. Whatever you need to do to calm yourself down, make sure you do that first.
Why do you need to be in a pretty good, positive state of mind? Well imagine if your ex does come back to you pretty quickly. They text you or email back and you start to think you’re back to talking. GREAT!
Well… at this point if you aren’t feeling relaxed and confident, things can be pretty risky. If you don’t have a clear head you can start to go down that familiar convincing or pleading route with your ex. Trying to coax them immediately into getting back into a relationship with you.
There is a time and a place to talk about restoring the relationship, but the first exchange of texts isn’t it.
Anything like the below (or that even resembles the below even!) should be avoided at all costs:
- Convincing your ex of the huge mistake of letting you go;
- Saying to your ex that you miss
- Telling them that things will change! Just come back and it’ll all be great;
- Any threats or ultimatums. Like saying to your ex, "you’ll be sorry later!"
These can all feel like they would help, so they might be in that category for you of “this might just work!”.
It isn’t time for these conversations right now. Not yet, anyway.
Getting back into serious chats too quickly, will feel to your ex like you’re jumping on them. This will trigger some of those bad emotions we’re trying very hard not bring up.
Your ex must be missing you by now though, so telling your ex-partner about how much you miss them should change their mind about the breakup! Right?!
So method should often work!? Well, not quite…
If You Do These Things, You’re Probably Pushing Your Ex Further Away!
By doing any of these things above, including continuing to tell your ex how much you miss them and what a big mistake they made letting your relationship go, you are actually telling your ex that firstly – you are not coping with the breakup, and secondly – that you are still feeling like a clingy person that is going to hold onto the relationship long after your ex broke up with you.
You are also making yourself look weaker in their eyes, and that all you can think about doing is chasing your ex! It’s also making them seem (and then feel) much more valuable than they actually are. You are putting far too much power solely on your ex, which isn’t the way you should be starting.
Instead you need a different approach… one that is going to help you succeed in getting your ex back. So:
We think this post might be helpful...
HOW To Get Back In Touch
There are a few great ways to get back in touch with an ex in a way that makes them so anxious at the idea of not replying. Let’s go over a few here.
- Curiousity – if you’re getting up to something your ex isn’t aware of;
- They think they’ll be missing out. Are you doing something with their friends they might like to be involved in?
- Being proven right about something in your relationship (although for your interests, this is best being a jokey thing!)
Anything you can text to your ex to create the impression of any of the above is great. But let me tell you about my personal favourite message.
What Would be My Choice…
Now as much as I love the above approaches, sometimes they don’t always do the trick. Using curiousity is a great first attempt, but what if your ex isn’t curious enough about what you say to them? You’d be right back where you started again! Without them reaching back to you.
The best methods are ones that require your ex to get back to you. So how about this text:
This is my favourite way to get readers back in touch with their ex partner.
It just says so much, in so little words. It demands attention, your ex needs to respond to this when they’re prompted, because what you’re talking about obviously affects their life. You know something about their future that will affect them.
Just as importantly, the ‘soooo’ keeps the text light and playful. You don’t want to send your ex into a panic after all, thinking the worst.
When you do reveal the reason you are getting in touch with them, it has to be a light, humorous reason. Your ex has to almost give a sigh of relief… and maybe even a small laugh at what you’ve done.
And that is it. You cut your responses there. Your goal at this point is not to get right back into talking to your ex about reuniting the relationship. It is to get your ex back into the habit of thinking about you.
With this playful text, they definitely will be thinking about you.
“Hmmm come to think of it, what have they been getting up to? I’ve not heard much from them recently… what could they be doing?
Stop Here! Don’t Get Caught Up Texting Them More Just Yet
By stopping your responses after that exchange, this will more than likely leave your ex thinking about you. You’ve just jumped back into their mind in a massive way.
At this point, the next steps you take are important to keep the communication going, and in a way that will eventually get the two of you back together.
If you want to keep going with that plan, check out our free guide that outlines the next steps.
How about where you are? Are you struggling to get in touch with your ex? Is your situation one I haven’t covered above? Let me know in the comments below what you’re thinking of, I love to hear from people!
Talk to you soon,
Amber
