I’m a big fan of gut instinct… of using your own common sense and experience to get you through things.
If you keep getting stuck asking yourself, “is my ex stringing me along” though, this is one of those times where finding the truth can really be difficult.
“Where do we stand just now?”
“Why can we text, but don’t ever meet?”
“Am I being strung along?”
Just after a breakup is, more likely than not, a time when your brain goes into overdrive asking question after question, wondering what could have gone wrong.
What could you have done differently?
And so many other questions that seem impossible to answer.
Now all of this is made that much more difficult, if your ex is not being straight with you about what’s going on between the two of you after the breakup, and how they’re feeling about the relationship.
Is my ex stringing me along is a thought that comes about if your ex partner is all over you, trying to get in touch with you one day… then distant and cold the next. Or even worse – times when your ex just won’t talk to you, even though you’re trying to get in touch, then expects you to jump to see them the next day.
You’re the most important person in the world to them on a Sunday night… and then on Monday they don’t see anything between you other than being ‘good friends’.
…Where Do You Stand?
Let’s just all admit that getting mixed messages from your ex about where you stand is really confusing.
Forget trying to focus on other things too. When you do get some time to think about something else, it won’t be long until these unclear feelings come back into your mind.
If you’ve tried in the past to ask your ex directly where you stand though, I’m sure you know the response this gets already.
“yeah, you know – I want us to stay close, just see how things go…”
…
“ok, so… where are we?”
Since that is mostly how these conversations go, in this article let’s find out where you might be with your ex, with their actions, not their words.
First – What You Must NOT Do
So, as I’ve said – ‘ask and you will receive’… don’t count on that in this situation.
You might be thinking;
“look, my ex and I dated for ages, I know we’ve gone through some tough times but it’s not the end of the world to ask just to see where things are…”
“in fact the next time I see them, I’m just going to ask – ‘are you stringing me along or is there a future for us? Where are we?’ to find out where we’re going.”
It sounds like a good plan on paper, but there are three reasons why you should avoid asking this directly if you can. Firstly, more often than not…
You won’t get an honest response.
Not only will you get a predictable ”whaaaaat… psh… course not!” reply (or a similar, but still a pretty standard one), you will also tip your hand that this is something on your mind often enough for you to ask about.
A lot of times, how you go about things with an ex partner after the fact is like poker, you never tip your hand to them.
Thirdly, when you ask your ex a question like this directly, you are also showing them something they’ll hate seeing in their own behaviour.
After all you must be asking them because you’re unsure of where things are.
Your ex might believe they are still being a pretty decent person, but when you ask them this you’re showing that they might not be as reasonable with you as they think they’re being. What I mean is:
Asking this question always has a negative image behind it.
The main reason this will catch your ex off-guard, and make it more likely that they will like, is because you are not only showing a mirror up to their bad behaviour. Clearly if it is happening enough for you to ask your ex about it, it must be quite hard for you just now.
It is revealing a characteristic flaw to your ex that most people wouldn’t be happy admitting.
It’s like asking someone if they are cheating in a game. There is no way that would be met with anything other than the person getting defensive!
The same is true here.
Your ex, even if it’s obvious to you and everyone else around you both, won’t be able to handle it when they realise they’re treating you like this, so they’ll retreat into denial mode, and while they might tell you that of course they’re not stringing you along, you won’t get the truth from them. This is of course what we’re really after.
Signs You’re Being Strung Along
Everyone’s time is important – if you are thinking about an ex and they aren’t being clear with you, this will be affecting a lot of things in your life.
It is almost impossible to move on because you still have a nagging feeling that if you just send some nice texts for a few more days, they will be open to meeting up again, and it won’t be long until you’re both back together! Right?
That is possible… but it is putting a lot of your time and emotions in someone else’s hands, which nobody should be ok with.
So what are the main signs that you’re being strung along? Let’s go through the main offenders so you can see if your ex is guilty of any of these.
#1 They don’t make an effort to spend time with you.
If you guys are in touch with what I call “light communication” (things that don’t take a lot of time on either end – like sending short text messages, pings on social media to share memes, and so on) but anything more than that is hard to set up. This is a real sign they’re trying to string you along.
As soon as you say something like:
“Hey I’ve got something from today to talk you you about, I’ll give you a call later if you’re free?
If you get met with…
“Oooft I dunno tonight is quite busy, can you email me what you’re going to say?
Then this is a sign that something isn’t quite right. Being a part of someone’s life means more than talking over the shortest methods of communication possible.
#2 Texting feels very one sided, or very surface level.
Similar to the first point, if you are in text chains where it feels like you’re talking to yourself most of the time, this is another “stringing along, red flag”.
This point is especially true if your ex springs back to life when you mention something they are more interested in, or would benefit them.
#3 All plans are subject to change.
Last minute cancellations or delays (which, let’s be honest, you imagine could turn into cancellations down the line), are common.
Check out the section below called “How Are Your Boundaries?” for more info on how to deal with this one by the way.
Here though, just know that if you’re making a plan with someone, or a few plans even, and every one seems to be moved on or changed for strange reasons, this isn’t a good sign of where things are.
#4 When you do meet up, potential partners are on their minds.
Now, if and when you are lucky enough to meet up with your ex, you need to think about their behaviour and are they truly spending time with you, or are they just showing up because it gets them out, and opens up the door to other things, or even people!
If you meet up for a coffee, are they always looking at the next tables?
Are they often trying to start talking to other groups of people?
Again – they might be meeting up with you, but there is a difference between meeting up with someone, and actually spending time and attention with them.
If your ex is showing any or all of these above signs, then it is quite likely that they’re stringing you along. Thinking that they can take up some of your time and energy, without putting enough commitment back into things to make this a good deal for you.
WHY Are They Stringing You Along?
Before we get any further into finding out where you are and what you want to happen next with this relationship… you have thought about that in some detail, right? If not, we will be discussing that soon, so no worries either way!
First though, let’s take some time to think about WHY they might be trying to keep stringing you along, if that is in fact what is going on.
You don’t have to tell me that the end of a relationship can be hard. Trust me I’m all to aware of the tough feelings that can come up after a relationship ends. You aren’t sure where to turn next at times.
However, just as it can be difficult for you to come to terms with how things are, your ex might also be realising that life after your relationship isn’t all they were quite expecting either.
What’s in it for them, though?
What exactly is in it for them?
After all, if the relationship ended, you should both decide if you’re going to stay friends, or go your own separate ways.
So why is it often not as cut and dry as this?
There are a few main reasons why someone could be stringing someone else along after a breakup.
- They are feeling indecisive;
- They are feeling insecure;
- They want something for free;
- They are keeping their options open.
The two biggest reasons for an ex-partner to keep stringing you along are the top two in the above list.
It’s either because they are indecisive and don’t know what they want happen next for them, or they’re insecure and need reassurance from you that you are still going to be thinking about them.
But let’s go through each of these to show you what I mean in a bit more detail.
They Are Feeling Indecisive
Now I’m casting a pretty big net here, what does it mean to be indecisive about the end of a relationship?
Even if you’ve gone through a pretty rough breakup, it is still a big life change for the both of you. When your daily routine hits a pretty big bump – this can end up being on your mind more than you thought it would.
The times that you both found yourselves talking or texting each other about your days are now… completely freed up!
But this isn’t necessarily a good thing, it could be far from it for your ex even.
Finding that they have a lot more time on their hands might leave them with some extra time to worry about things that have happened. Even to start regretting.
“I always feel like I need to tell them when good or funny things happen… did I make a huge mistake?”
This feeling of wondering is very common after a breakup, and often makes people second think the end of the relationship. They are being indecisive. That feeling in their mind that they might regret this decision later on.
So what is their best plan in this situation?
For your ex, it might just be to keep you ‘around’ for long enough for them to make up their minds about whether or not ending this relationship really was something they should have done.
Check out this related post...
They Are Feeling Insecure
Insecurity – something we all battle with from time to time, no matter who we are.
You might think that after a breakup, your ex would have nothing to feel insecure about, right? Often this is not the case at all!
They might be feeling insecure about their decision to end the relationship, but more common that this: they have lost YOU as a cheerleader!
When you were both together, they had you there to reassure them that they were doing well. Without this, they have quite probably lost one of their biggest fans.
Because of this it isn’t uncommon for them to still look to you to reassure them, and give them a needed confidence boost.
They Want Something For Free
The feeling of getting something for free is often very tempting to some people.
If your ex is giving you the impression that they want ‘all of the good’ of you, but without putting in any time, this is a pretty big red flag that they are wanting something for free.
This might not just be your time and energy remember, so you’ll have to think about this one to make sure this reason isn’t in play.
Your ex may be thinking that if they spend some time around you, they might catch you at the best time to get something for free. This could be a number of things, so keep your eyes open for signs that they are:
- Looking to initiate physical contact at times you seem down, but with no commitment in mind. Passion for free is a big temptation, but is also a big warning sign if it comes with no sign of anything more;
- Trying to keep in touch with someone else through you. This could be one of your friends for example;
- Using your position in a job for their own gain – can you be the key to them getting a similar job?
- Wanting you to get them free things! Do they want to join you for dinner, but only at a place where you have always paid in the past, or have a discount for?
They Are Keeping Their Options Open
It’s no surprise that I am really not a fan of this one. Being strung along when someone is looking for someone better can be so difficult.
From emails I get from our readers, this reason for stringing someone along is likely the most difficult to deal with.
It is also the one that can get us the most entangled and emotionally drained.
(and worse for you – that you could still be a ‘backup plan’ if things don’t work out for them after the breakup), and sometimes a combination of both!
An important point to keep in mind:
No matter what the reason your ex has for stringing you along – and most of the time, you’ll never truly know the deepest reason for this – it is important to know that this situation is not your fault.
You can be left feeling guilty over some of the things that went wrong at the end of a relationship and, while this can sometimes be true, too many times you can get wrapped up in it.
Relationships are about balance. They are about you and your ex partner. After a relationship is decided as ‘over’, neither person should be stringing the other one along – it isn’t fair on their time and mental health.
So don’t think that you have done anything to encite being strung along, this isn’t the case.
Decide What Your Goal is First
“He who conquers others is strong; He who conquers himself is mighty.” –– Lao Tzu
What do you want as an end goal here? Is it something you’ve given much thought to?
The main three things people who are wondering if their ex is stringing them along want (and of course – you might have another reason for finding out what is going on in your ex’s mind) are:
- A chance to recover the relationship, and get back together;
- To know if the two of you can still be friends;
- To find out if the relationship on the whole is really over. Is it time to call it, cut your losses and walk away completely?
A lot of times, it is just ‘the not knowing’ that is the hardest part.
It feels like a door that should be closed is left slightly open.
Do you spend more time on this?
Is your ex secretly hoping that you will start focusing more of your time and energy on them and try to win them back?
It is the fact that you don’t really know that can be the hardest part.
But with this aside, how much time have you spend thinking about what YOU want from this relationship?
Maybe not much? If that is the case, it isn’t too surprising or even uncommon.
Often, especially when it feels like something is taken from us (like in the case of someone ending a relationship with us), our first reaction is not, “is it time to think about what I want to focus on for a change?”.
It is usually more common to jump straight to “OH PANIC!! What do I need to do now to get that thing back!?”
Is that really what you want though, or is that just the first, knee-jerk reaction?
Take some time, and think about what you want from this relationship. Do you really want them back, or do you just miss the routine they were bringing into your life?
Do you want to get your ex-partner back, or do you just want to be free of the questions in your mind about where things stand?
You might like to check out...
How Are Your Boundaries?
These might not seem like things that would affect your lives together after the relationship has ended, but when you take a minute to think about it…
- How accessible were you to your ex when you were dating?
- Of the two of you, who was most likely to bail or change plans?
- Did you often find yourself frustrated with how planning events was going?
And then crucially – how did you respond in the relationship when these plans were changed…
Who has the power!?
If you were often the one who was on the receiving end of plans being changed or even cancelled at the last minute, this is a pretty consistent pattern to be in.
It is also (no surprise) a bad pattern to be in!
Even subconsciously, on some level if your ex knows that if they even agree to meet up with you in the near future, they can just cancel the plans if they feel like it, and you will go along without getting too upset.
This is the time, not even for your relationship with this person, to start to change that attitude. What is the best way to do this? You do this by showing that you have a solid boundary for this behaviour!
This type of behaviour is not ok from you, and you don’t want to see that from your ex in the future, no matter what happens.
For example, say that you were going to be going to see a movie with them and a few friends one night. However, late that afternoon you get a message
“Hey about that movie, turns out I can’t make it. Can we reschedule it for another time? Thanks.”
Eh… no, you can’t. You made a plan.
If they try to change it, unfortunately for them, they’ll end up missing out.
“Sorry, the plans are made so we’re still going, maybe we can catch up another time though. Chat later.”
And that’s it! That’s all it needs.
Just these simple steps alone will start to show to your ex that you aren’t going to be in the game of getting messed around with your time and schedule any more.
Both your plans, and your schedule, have to be important to you. They are both definitely too important to be vague with, or to call off plans for without a decent reason.
Here’s Step One
If you are looking to win your ex partner back, and stop this process of being strung along, you will have to change an important part of your behaviour towards them.
The main reason your ex will be looking to you just after the breakup is because of your availability to them.
Throughout the relationship, whether you realise it or not, it’s likely that your availability was something they grew to depend on.
Whether you were a shoulder for them to cry on when things were bad, someone they took their highest successes to, the person they trusted the most, or all of the above.
BUT!
When they gave up the relationship, they also gave up these things that you bring to people, and those qualities you have to make that so appealing. So here is what you need to start doing to break this negative cycle of being strung along.
Step one – limit contact!
Whaaaat?! I can hear you asking that from here!
Proving to your ex partner that the situation has changed – you are no longer going to be their shoulder to cry on or their emotional crutch – is a crucial first step you need to take at this point.
Whether your end goal is to reunite the relationship with your ex-partner, or simply just to get the answers to the questions you’re asking yourself – limiting the contact you have with them is not only going to throw them and put a dent in this ‘security blanket’ situation they’ve put you in
It’s really going to shift your value in their minds to a much higher place, a place where you can start getting the answers you deserve!
What Do YOU Want Next?
Now, the above step has proven itself time and time again to be a very effective one in winning your ex partner back. Keep in mind though that this is only the first step you should take in this process.
It’s time to think about what you want from this relationship. Do you want to get back together with them, or do you just want clarity on where things stand?
It’s still crucial to know what you’re looking for from your ex, and that you make sure you have a complete plan in your mind on what you need to do next.
If you don’t, the risk is that you could fall back into the past patterns that led to you being strung along by them in the first place.
To get yourself a detailed plan, no matter what your end goal with your ex, download and read our free guide where you can start to figure out just where you stand in their minds and stop asking ‘is my ex stringing me along?’ for good.
People also asked…
One of the most common responses I get from someone who is trying to figure out if their ex is stringing them along is:
“Ok, so I can work out now if my ex is stringing me along… but I don’t want to just end up in the friend zone!”
I get you, if you’re trying to get back on possible dating terms with this person, it’s not enough to not be strung along anymore, you want to remind them that you’re more than that together.
The main reason this happens, is by slipping too comfortably back into a rut when you do start making more solid contact. There are a few ways to avoid this and I start to go over them in my free guide and follow-up series. My first piece of advice would be to download that report, and start putting the steps into motion to make sure you don’t end up in the friend zone later.
If you’re thinking about this question, it might be becuase you’ve noticed some progress from your ex, or encouraging signs that they still want to pursue something more real with you.
If they’re still hesitant when you bring up spending time together in the future though, this is often not a great sign.
To figure out if they’re just taking it slow, you could try looking for future commitments. This could suggest that they are still interested in starting a relationship up again, they are just being guarded at this time.
Suggest doing things together in the coming months – there is a music concert you both might like to go to in a few months time? That’d be perfect!
Getting them to commit to doing things with you in the future is a sign that they are still keen, they’re just taking things slow right now.
There’s nothing worse than feeling like you might be kept on the dating sideline with your ex, as they try to start something up with someone else.
The best way to get more information on this one is to try to spend time with your ex around whoever else you think they’re interested in.
If they are overly dismissive of you, trying not to talk to you, or being mean/rude to you when they do talk to you, then this isn’t a good sign.
We all deserve to be happy – if you start to get the feeling your ex is just trying to keep you around while pursuing someone else – maybe it’s time to ask if they’re really the right person for you.
