First of all, it’s totally normal to find yourself often thinking about an ex partner after a breakup.
No matter if your feelings are still a little bit raw and it’s only been a few days, or even going weeks or months afterwards.
Why Does This Happen?
Even though we often assume we’re in charge of our thoughts, your brain is set off by mental triggers dozens if not hundreds of times throughout each day.
Little things you don’t think would pop into your head that come up at the strangest moments: in terms of a breakup or an ex partner.
You could be making a meal and suddenly you find something that reminds you of your ex, or a song comes on the playlist you’re listening to that reminds you of a time you were out with them and it came on the radio.
One example for me I will always remember was during a long car ride when the song “Fast Car” came on the radio, the music in that moment was so appropriate that it got a few jokes at the time.
Every time I heard that song soon after, it put me right back in that moment.
These hundreds of little things that make you think, can often put you in that mindset of “oh I remember that happening with…”
Since there are so many little things that can act as these triggers – little things that can put you in the mindset of being in a relationship with that person again – it also follows that it’s totally normal to find these little distractions affecting your whole day.
From your focus at work, to when you think you’re hanging out with your friends at the end of the week, you never know what is going to set these things off.
It’s Often Hard for Others to Understand
If you’re still getting over the end of a relationship, ideally friends and family should be doing their best to support you in these types of difficult times, to be there for you (well… hopefully!).
However, sometimes this can make things start to feel difficult if they are trying to ‘pull you out of any sad moments’.
Depending on how long the relationship lasted, there could be many of these reminding triggers, and they could become very poweful and hard to ignore.
This means that when you notice them, you probably will feel your mood and energy levels shift, and others around you will no doubt be noticing it too.
Usually in this case, the first thing that can happen is people will try to cheer you up.
So you’ll have to be patient with these people when they say things like “why are you still thinking about that? You’re just upsetting yourself!”.
They don’t know the connections that are in your mind about past situations and the memories that are likely still fresh.
It can be easy to be impatient when you hear things like this, but do your best to take it easy, and remind yourself they’re only trying to help by pulling you out of any rough times.
The Best Way to Get Your Focus Back
So it might be easier to get your head around why these things can come up and what can trigger them, but you will no doubt be wanting methods to stop them from affecting you, taking you off your game of affecting your focus – no matter what you’re doing.
What can you do to help in these situations?
How can you stop your mind racing to the past when you’re trying to get other things done?
The first step is to start to pay attention to when your mind starts to flash to these topics.
Notice what you were doing just before it happens, and take a mental note of this, or better yet – write it down so you can easily look back over it later.
Everyone is different, which means the triggers that set you off will be different from the triggers that set other people off – you need to start by finding yours.
For example – maybe you’re very easily reminded of the past by certain smells or sounds, rather than visual cues.
People who are very artistic are often in this category – the song you were singing when your ex was getting ready, hearing this later on down the road can bring everything flooding back.
So take a note of these triggers to get a good feel of the source.
Replace, Rinse, and Repeat
Start replacing them with other actions and memories.
Without getting too in depth with this – when you remind yourself of a memory, the brain doesn’t actually remember the first time it happened, it instead goes to the last time you remember it, and that is played back for you to relive.
The more you remember and focus on something, the stronger this connection becomes.
However this also means that it’s possible to replace some memory triggers with happier events, that will eventually distract you less.
So, going back to my “Fast Car” example from above. It became apparent that hearing the song was reminding me of a past relationship, so I decided to replace it with a different memory!
I played it at a much happier time when I was driving with friends, and this became another strong memory for me.
When I heard the song again later, there was a choice for me to relive the happier moments I spent with my friends, rather than being reminded of an old relationship that was distracting me from other things I was trying to get done.
If you find some of the strongest triggers for yourself, and move to create other situations which are much more positive for you, you will find that over time the same triggers can’t upset you in ways they did before.
Now, this isn’t to say that you’re “removing” memories.
As I say, you have a choice of whether to go to a happier event connected with that trigger, a decision that will always be yours to make.
The Effects of Idle Minds
A great way to lessen the amount of time you spend thinking about your ex is also to reduce the amount of time you have to let your mind wander.
How you spend your free time is also an important factor in how much time your mind goes to your ex partner.
However, some activities and hobbies are better than others in this aspect.
Here are a few things to think about when deciding what you could take up to spend some of your free time:
- Hobbies that involve a lot of static thinking and planning allow the mind to wander. This isn’t ideal if you’re trying to get your mind off your ex partner. For example if you are a keen collector this could be great for you, but it could also let your brain start to think about other things, including the distracting past.
- Avoid group hobbies that are very couple focused as seeing others in this situation may bring you down. There will be plenty time in the future for you to enjoy these with a significant other so focus on that instead!
- Creativity hobbies are ideal, anything that can stimulate your brain and activate it in news ways will leave less time to spend thinking about your ex. When was the last time you tried to learn a new instrument? Or spent time on a creative task like painting, or writing?
- Physical hobbies distract the mind as well as activating the body, imagine how much time you’d have to be distracted if you were focusing on anything that required controlling your body!
The best hobbies to keep your mind busy are things that involve both the mind and the body in creative ways.
Imagine if you started attending group dancing classes with your friends (or made new friends) that took up 3 nights of your week for a few hours each time.
Do you think you’d your mind could wander when you are busy both physically, and mentally? No chance!
Let me know in the comments below what hobbies you’ve found that have helped keep your mind occupied.
A First Step?
Getting your mind in the right place, where you’re not feeling sad or distracted, is also a great first step if you’re looking to recover this relationship and win your ex back.
If that’s something you are looking for, be sure to grab our free report and mini-series that will help get you off on the right foot to reuniting with your ex again!
